How to Smuggle Rocks and Thereby Continue Your Quest for World Domination

Smuggling Rocks

Featuring Wee One 

Step 1: Play with Boy Child’s Special Rocks.

Step 2: Make Boy Child cry when you refuse to relinquish said rocks.

Step 3: Be forcefully escorted out of Boy Child’s room by The Mommy.

Step 4: Sneak back into Boy Child’s room.

Step 5: Fill diaper with special rocks.

Step 6: Watch The Mommy have a heart attack during diaper change.

Husband Confusion, Episode 1: End Game

Mission report end game

Featuring The Daddy 

Scene: Husband and Wife watching Marvel’s End Game. It’s months after the movie released but somehow, miraculously, they’ve both avoided spoilers.

At least, that’s what they say.

Within moments of the title screen, The Wife is tearing up.

Husband: “Are you okay?”

The Wife sniffles: “I’m fine.”

Movie continues. Every time two specific characters come on screen, The Wife begins to sniffle.

Husband: “What’s the matter?”

Wife: “Nothing.”

Husband: “Did you look at Spoilers?”

Wife: …No.

Husband: Damn it, yes you did.

Wife: No, I didn’t.

Final battle. Wife is now sobbing uncontrollably.

Husband: You looked at Spoilers, didn’t you?

Wife, howling with tears: YES!

Mission Report: Nap Time

Mission report nap time.jpg

1500: Nap Time for Wee One. Place child in sleeping receptacle with minimal problems.

1505: Yell for Boy Child to begin to get ready for Eye Doctor. No response.

1510: Holler louder for Boy Child. No response.

1515: Abandon search and prepare self for Eye Doctor.

1520: Pop sound. Boy child laughs.

1521: Investigate.

1522: See spilled milk and baby powder. Wee One laughs hysterically. Boy Child is nowhere.

1525: Cry hysterically.

Deep Thoughts with Boy Child

deep thoughts with adrian

Boy Child: How do you know how to follow the rules at the store?

Me, scoop rice off the floor, balance Wee One: What?

Boy Child: Like, why don’t we just run into everyone with our carts? How do we know how to follow the rules?

Wee One: Something that sounds like “cheese nuts”.

Me, pick rice out of my hair: I guess you just know.

Boy Child: But they aren’t posted anywhere! In school, the rules are everywhere. So I don’t understand how people just know.

Me, considering, now wrestling starch covered Wee One: I suppose you’re right, Kid.


Mission Report: Cockroach Takedown

Family Assault on Cockroach

1300. Nap time. Hear screaming. Run to Wee One’s room.

1301. See Demon Bug from hell. Call Boy Child, leave Wee One to gather proper weaponry.

1307: Hit Demon Bug with shoe.

1308: Demon Bug lives.

1309: Hit Demon Bug with newspaper.

1310: Demon Bug Lives.

1311: Boy Child comes with full double assault.

1313: Demon Bug Lives.

1315: Grab Wee One and Boy Child. Leave premises. Wait for the Daddy.

How to get your hair brushed and thereby continue your conquest for global domination.

Featuring Wee One

Burshing Hair


  1. When you see Mommy with the brush, run as fast as possible far away.
  2. Hide, scream, bite when Mommy tries to brush your hair.
    Warning: Mommy may try to bribe you with cookies, candy, or phones. DO NOT GIVE IN.
  3. Continue to pitch fit until Daddy comes in.
  4. Let Daddy brush your hair. Be an angel.
  5. When Mommy tries to take over for Daddy, pitch fit.
  6.  Allow Daddy to take back over.
  7.  Be perfect while Daddy brushes hair.
  8. Watch Mommy’s mental break down.
  9.  Enjoy Cookie.

My Brain to Your Brain

my brain to your brain

Featuring Boy Child

Boy Child: Why is your brain broken, Mama?

Me: ….

Pause, think. 

Me: My brain tells me things that aren’t true.

Boy Child: Like what?

Me: …

Pause, think.

Me: Like, it says that I’m fat. Or I’m not a good mom.

Boy Child: When?

Me: When what?

Boy Child: When does it tell you that?


Me:  All the time.

Boy Child: Now?

Me: Now.

Boy Child: …

Boy Child: Did you hear that?

Me: What?

Boy Child: Shhh. Be Quiet.


Boy Child: Did you hear that Mama? My brain told your brain to stop lying to you and be nice because you are a great mama.