Featuring Wee One
Step 1: Play with Boy Child’s Special Rocks.
Step 2: Make Boy Child cry when you refuse to relinquish said rocks.
Step 3: Be forcefully escorted out of Boy Child’s room by The Mommy.
Step 4: Sneak back into Boy Child’s room.
Step 5: Fill diaper with special rocks.
Step 6: Watch The Mommy have a heart attack during diaper change.
Featuring The Daddy
Scene: Husband and Wife watching Marvel’s End Game. It’s months after the movie released but somehow, miraculously, they’ve both avoided spoilers.
At least, that’s what they say.
Within moments of the title screen, The Wife is tearing up.
Husband: “Are you okay?”
The Wife sniffles: “I’m fine.”
Movie continues. Every time two specific characters come on screen, The Wife begins to sniffle.
Husband: “What’s the matter?”
Husband: “Did you look at Spoilers?”
Husband: Damn it, yes you did.
Wife: No, I didn’t.
Final battle. Wife is now sobbing uncontrollably.
Husband: You looked at Spoilers, didn’t you?
Wife, howling with tears: YES!
1500: Nap Time for Wee One. Place child in sleeping receptacle with minimal problems.
1505: Yell for Boy Child to begin to get ready for Eye Doctor. No response.
1510: Holler louder for Boy Child. No response.
1515: Abandon search and prepare self for Eye Doctor.
1520: Pop sound. Boy child laughs.
1522: See spilled milk and baby powder. Wee One laughs hysterically. Boy Child is nowhere.
1525: Cry hysterically.
Boy Child: How do you know how to follow the rules at the store?
Me, scoop rice off the floor, balance Wee One: What?
Boy Child: Like, why don’t we just run into everyone with our carts? How do we know how to follow the rules?
Wee One: Something that sounds like “cheese nuts”.
Me, pick rice out of my hair: I guess you just know.
Boy Child: But they aren’t posted anywhere! In school, the rules are everywhere. So I don’t understand how people just know.
Me, considering, now wrestling starch covered Wee One: I suppose you’re right, Kid.
Wee One never seems to long for reentry into the birth canal. Unless, of course, it’s time for her to be dropped off at Daycare. Then she tries forcefully to reinsert herself into the womb.
Featuring Boy Child
When it comes to horror films, Boy Child seems to have no limits to the scare tactics he can handle. Except, of course, for The Sandlot.
1300. Nap time. Hear screaming. Run to Wee One’s room.
1301. See Demon Bug from hell. Call Boy Child, leave Wee One to gather proper weaponry.
1307: Hit Demon Bug with shoe.
1308: Demon Bug lives.
1309: Hit Demon Bug with newspaper.
1310: Demon Bug Lives.
1311: Boy Child comes with full double assault.
1313: Demon Bug Lives.
1315: Grab Wee One and Boy Child. Leave premises. Wait for the Daddy.
The Daddy: “Jay!”
The Daddy: “Phone’s ringing!”
Me: “I hear it.”
The Daddy: “Jay! Phone’s ringing!!”
The Daddy: “Jay! Do you hear me? Your phone is ringing! ”
The Daddy: “Jay! The phone! Your phone! It’s ringing!”
Featuring Boy Child
Boy Child: Why is your brain broken, Mama?
Me: My brain tells me things that aren’t true.
Boy Child: Like what?
Me: Like, it says that I’m fat. Or I’m not a good mom.
Boy Child: When?
Me: When what?
Boy Child: When does it tell you that?
Me: All the time.
Boy Child: Now?
Boy Child: …
Boy Child: Did you hear that?
Boy Child: Shhh. Be Quiet.
Boy Child: Did you hear that Mama? My brain told your brain to stop lying to you and be nice because you are a great mama.